13 August 2019 | Paul Fleckney | The Guardian
Steff Todd: My new boyfriend told me he’s got my face as his wallpaper, which I thought was cute until I saw his lounge.
Steff Todd: Reality Check is at Just the Tonic at the Caves
Catherine Bohart: I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on for ever and there are a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet.
Catherine Bohart: Lemon is at Pleasance Courtyard
Darren Harriott: My mum said she’s turning my room into a study. I doubt it, unless she’s doing a PhD on Coronation Street and Echo Falls rosé.
Darren Harriott: Good Heart Yute is at Pleasance Courtyard
Alex Kealy: When applying for a job as an estate agent, the interviewer worried that my CV was a bit small. I said actually it’s really cosy and I was immediately hired.
Alex Kealy: Rationale is at Just the Tonic at the Caves
Joz Norris: Do you reckon the band Chic ever found any takers for that free cow they were always trying to get rid of?
Joz Norris is Dead. Long Live Mr Fruit Salad is at Heroes at the Hive
Ken Cheng: The other kids all called me “token” growing up. At least that’s what they put at the top of my Christmas cards. Sure, there was a space between the “to” and the “ken” but the point remains the same.
If laughter is the best medicine, Edinburgh is set to be in rude health for the rest of August: the Fringe is bringing the lols for another year.
The great and the good have upped sticks to north of the border for the month, hoping to make audiences laugh at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. The action-packed arts jamboree is in full swing, with reviews landing left, right and centre – and a new Edinburgh Comedy Award winner set to be crowned before it comes to an end.
If you’re not in Edinburgh this year, or just want a slice of the funny action, don’t fret: we’ve rounded up 25 of the best gags doing the round at this year’s festival.
“My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.” Goose
“The referendum on Brexit was like asking your husband if he wanted a threesome for his 40th. He was supposed to say no but he didn’t. And now everyone’s really miserable.” Tania Edwards
“I moved from Malaysia to the UK mainly for comedy and so I can drink tap water and not s*** myself.” Nigel Ng
“For a lot of people leave means leave, but for me it means putting my pants on backwards in a rush cause your mum’s home early from the spa and your dad’s freaking out at me.” Jack Rooke
“I was recently diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder. I’d prefer to think of it like I’m a coeliac with an intolerance to hope.” Rhys Nicholson
“What do we want? More nuance! When do we want it? I don’t think you’ve followed.” Jonny & the Baptists
“The best thing about being disabled is nobody ever wants you to babysit. In case you drop them. And recruit them.” Rosie Jones
“As a British-Asian kid, I used to find fancy dress parties difficult. A child can’t be the life and soul of the party dressed up as Channel 4 news’s Krishnan Guru-Murthy.” Kai Samra
“I always keep my keys between my knuckles. That way if someone tries to attack me, I’m ready to give them my car.” Stephen Buchanan
“It must be annoying for clocks that from their perspective their hands are moving anti-clockwise.” Adam Hess
“You know that phrase, behind every successful man, is me trying to get his attention.” Lou Sanders
“I hate it when people call dead people ‘late’. ‘The late John Smith’. It’s like, dude, he’s not coming.” Ben Pope
“Do I have a maternal instinct? Of course I have a maternal instinct, otherwise why would I be taking my cocker spaniel to have singing lessons?” Vikki Stone
“What do I want played at my funeral? Rugby.” Goodbear
“My girlfriend and I are saving up for a mortgage, but it isn’t going very well – because sadly, all of our grandparents are still alive.” Matt Richardson
“My new boyfriend told me he’s got my face as his wallpaper, which I thought was cute until I saw his lounge.” Steff Todd
“Of course I’m a mummy’s boy, I was c-section birth, I didn’t want to leave in the first place.” Steve Bugeja
“The past is like a foreign country: English people ruining it for everyone else.” Alex Kealy
“My perfect man is someone who uses words correctly; he’s someone who would only say ‘that literally blew me away’ if he were flung into the sky.” Louisa Fitzhardinge
“I keep my PIN secret. 20-4-7.” Stuart Laws
“My mother doesn’t like the word vagina, so she calls it a ‘Lulu’ which was very confusing when I met my cousin Lulu who coincidentally is a c***.” Janine Harouni
“Thanks to autocorrect, I sent my personal trainer a text asking if he fancied going for a rub on Sunday – obviously what I meant to say was Saturday.” Cally Beaton
“I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight.” Nick Helm
“I believe a person can be full of contradictions. And I also believe that they can’t.” Juliette Burton
“I’m not a good enough ally. I went on a Gay Pride march once but if I’m honest it’s because I lived in Brighton, I needed milk and it was on the way.”Jim Campbell
It’s been 11 years since Dave launched the Funniest Joke of the Fringe award, and there have been some worthy winners over the years.
There have, however, been some unlucky losers.
Get yourself in the mood for the world’s largest comedy festival returning with these priceless jokes and one-liners that failed to win the coveted crown.
55 jokes that should have won Funniest Joke of the Fringe…
“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” Gary Delaney
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis
“I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.” Lou Sanders
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine
“I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.” Emo Philips
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney
“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’” Paddy Lennox
“I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall
“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book” Frankie Boyle
“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle
“I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her” Lew Fitz
“I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated” Andy Field
“Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant” Mark Simmons
“I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” Jimeoin
“I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house” Ed Byrne
“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine” Olaf Falafel
“Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!”‘ Alasdair Beckett-King
“A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event” Angela Barnes
“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer” Adele Cliff
“For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it” Phil Wang
“I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark” Adam Hess
“I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act” Tim Vine
“Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” Stuart Mitchell
“I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson
“Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith
“I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.” Will Duggan
“Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” Tiff Stevenson
“I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney
“Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” Adele Cliff
“Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath
“If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. that work?” Olaf Falafel
“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes
“If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.” Olaf Falafel
“I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” Roger Swift
“Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith
“I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons
“Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soy seems to be the hardest word.” Phil Nicol
“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West” Stewart Francis
“Surely every car is a people carrier?” Adam Hess
“What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter” Masai Graham
“Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas” Mark Nelson
“Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day” Tom Parry
“I never lie on my CV…because it creases it.” Jenny Collier
“If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself” Ian Smith
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time” Tom Ward
“Earlier this year I saw ‘The Theory of Everything’ – loved it. Should’ve been called ‘Look Who’s Hawking’, that’s my only criticism” James Acaster
“I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.” Masai Graham
“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor
“This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” Felicity Ward
“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.” Tim Vine
“Never Apologise! Never Explain!” – Sorry, that’s my motto.” Chris Turner
“I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. I was the only thing between H and JK.” Simon Evans
“I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.” William Andrews
“Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it The Great British Break Off?” Alex Edelman
“Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.” Christian Talbot
Thousands of comedians gather in Edinburgh every August to tickle the ribs of crowds at theworld’s largest arts festival. We asked them for the very best lines from their 2019 Fringe shows
Goose: My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar. Assembly George Square (0131 623 3030), until Aug 25
Harry & Chris: If Natalie Portman appeared in a panto, that could be shortened to a Portmanteau. Underbelly Cowgate (0131 510 0395), until Aug 24
Alex Kealy: The problem with the Spider-Man French adaptation is the character is called Peter Parkour, and they immediately guess he is Spider-Man. Just the Tonic at the Caves (0330 220 1212), until Aug 25
Well, we aren’t enjoying it, are we?